This summer has been crazy. I left high school knowing what I wanted to do with my life, with a good head on my shoulders, and headed in the right direction. I guess all of this is still true. I just kind of lost track of those things this summer. I've never been the type of person to follow the crowd. I've done my own thing and figured out what I liked best along the way. I've always been my own person, and I was proud of that. I'm not sure as to why I let myself change that amazing characteristic. I'm sorry I ever did, I can tell you that much. I hurt someone I love tremendously all because I listened to my feelings and not my head. Never before have I made such an irrational decision, or decisions I guess. Was it worth it? HELL NO!! I broke the trust some of the most important people in my life had for me. I ruined one of the greatest bounds I ever held. My poor choices can't be rectified and it'll probably never be the same again There is absolutely nothing I can do to "fix it". I hate myself because of what I let happen. I let myself be used and hurt people along the way. I refuse to give myself any excuses because I knew and know better. I was raised better. I beat myself up every single day and most likely will for a while. I feel no reason as to why I shouldn't.
One day, hopefully I'l be able to fully forgive myself. And hopefully she'll be able to forgive me as well. I understand if she can't or doesn't want to. One day, maybe I'll be able to move on. I pray daily that she is able to. That she is never hurt this way again. I pray that she can understand that I made a huge mistake and that our friendship was not all a lie. I pray a lot. Cause that's all I really know to do. God is the only one that can bring me out. I'm leaning on Him. Otherwise, I honestly don't know what would happen. I'm just sorry, and so overwhelmed with guilt and remorse.
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